Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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