Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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