He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
