she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
