I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
