we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
