She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
