Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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