four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
