And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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