Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Randomize
