Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
