god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
they call him Oral-B. enough said
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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