I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
