dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
