You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
