all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
