So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
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