Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
