Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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