u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
