I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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