Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
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