Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
