She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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