I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
