oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
