can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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