got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
You are the jesus of drinking
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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