Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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