From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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