He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
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Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
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I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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