i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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