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Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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