Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
