My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
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