i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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