Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
