I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Randomize
