3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
