so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Randomize
