I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
