I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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