My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
you win again, gameday.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
that is very illegal...i love you.
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