I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
