If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
