I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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