woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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