party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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