I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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