Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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