I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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