I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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