I wish I could teleport
Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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