i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Randomize
