Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
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