i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
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I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
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I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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