Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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