***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
